how to be a man | virtual book

how to be a man

#notes #masculinity #ego #insecurity #psychology Mentioned in what I'm doing now #5

Alfred Adler claimed that all problems were interpersonal relationship problems. Freudian psychoanalysts credit childhood trauma and unconscious drives as fundamental. Lately I’ve been thinking about ego and self-image as a gravitational center that grounds our thoughts and behavior. (Ego is an overloaded term and I’ve written about

my sense

what is ego?

#notes #psychology #ego #fear #fantasy #authenticity #insecurity #inadequacy #honesty Mentioned in how to be a man

As someone who likes to think and learn about psychology on my free time, here is my understanding of ego.

Ego is a constructed (and therefore false) self that we all build to protect ourselves (our real, raw selves). Therefore, failing to de-identify with your ego is a failure to

exist as yourself

.

But why is ego a false self? Does construction really imply falsehood?

Maybe a more precise distinction is constructed self (ego) v.s. authentic self (real self).

What’s so bad about ego, anyway? Isn’t it just one’s sense of self worth?

I don’t see ego simply as my sense of self worth. I see ego as a set of beliefs about myself that serve to sustain my feelings of worth, security, adequacy, and such. These beliefs rely on fantasy because their purpose is not to be true, but to be useful. The more desperate I am to compensate for feelings of insecurity, worthlessness, and inadequacy, the more I need to fantasize about myself and thus the bigger my ego gets, and the more I must insulate myself from reality to protect my fantasies from crumbling. This insulation is an artificial layer that exists to isolate us from reality and allows us to tamper with evidence on its way into our conscious awareness. The antidote that halts pollution of the self, the liberator that frees the self from this hijacker, is facing one’s fears and insecurities.

Another way to the think of an ego is as a process that does two main things: one, it seeks and feeds on things that your authentic self needs in order to quell fears and insecurities, and, two, it dismisses, ignores, and denies things that stimulate fears and insecurities. Your authentic self and your ego are in a co-dependent relationship. Your ego has too far in “helping” you, and it’s actually enabling self-destructive behavior.

Are you saying that all egos are self-protection mechanisms?

If you have no insecurities to compensate for, why do you need your ego?

of it.)

I think that the ongoing male crisis can be articulated in terms of ego and self-esteem. I suspect the rage many men feel is

self-loathing reflected outward

how to exist

#essays #psychology #ego #fear #maturity #subsconscious #honesty #courage #integrity #insecurity Mentioned in what is ego?, how to be a man

Can you trust someone who denies that their subsconsious plays a major role in their life? A good reason to deny your subsconscious is fear of what it contains.

An ego is like a mask that smooths over blemishes and hardens the sensitive spots. It is a tool and a burden. Some egos are so big that they become difficult to remove or distinguish from one’s actual self. If you can’t unmask in private, with a loved one or by yourself, do you still exist? Are you alive? How much a life is one lived imprisoned?

A big ego is like a great shield that blocks out all – insults, criticism, connection, love, truth. Underneath the shield is a self too fearful to exist. A big ego houses despair and another secret: self-hatred.

Dissociating from your ego allows you to uncover your fears and your stifled self. But before you separate from your ego, you must believe you can exist without it. You must have courage. And you must want to exist without it. You must want integrity.

A person who claims to have an insignificant subsconscious is a liar, a fool, or a person of great integrity. And what are the odds that one has no internal conflicts awaiting resolution?

in a desperate attempt at self-preservation. These people are struggling for viable ways to exist.

When I first learned of Andrew Tate’s popularity with boys and young men, I was not only dismayed but surprised. Don’t we know better already? But misogyny is not simply a problem of ignorance. It and other expressions of violence are tools for acting out feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. To get rid of these kinds of abhorrent behavior, we have to address the source of the problem.

Instead of offering gender-agnostic advice for self-actualization, Christine Emba, like psychotherapist Stephen A. Shapiro in the past, is trying to champion positive, overtly masculine roles:

In my ideal, the mainstream could embrace a model that acknowledges male particularity and difference but doesn’t denigrate women to do so. It’s a vision of gender that’s not androgynous but still equal, and relies on character, not just biology. And it acknowledges that certain themes — protector, provider, even procreator — still resonate with many men and should be worked with, not against.

I wonder whether this is an ideal towards which we should strive or whether it is merely a stepping stone aiming to stabilize male self-esteem as it approaches an ultimate destination. No matter where we are on this journey, it needs to be somewhere where the male ego doesn’t feel in danger. Because, if it does, men will return again and again to the familiar coping strategy of domination, which assuages their fear of the deepest inferiority: worthlessness.